Thursday, February 24, 2005

Ruddy Ruddy in the National Lampoon

Here.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Overestimating my own worth once again

Someone at work pointed out that mailing addresses are usually sold by the thousand. The term is CPM (cost per mille, I guess. How many bilingual abbreviations like that do you see?). I actually learned all about this in publishing school, but I've forgotten a lot of the non-editing stuff.

So that $80 price I saw for Ruddy Ruddy was probably actually for Ruddy Ruddy and 999 other poor suckers. That would actually make Ruddy Ruddy's name and address worth only eight cents.

Well, now I feel pretty worthless.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

What's in a name? Eighty dollars.

It may have been a while since the last piece of mail arrived for Ruddy Ruddy, but I can't hold that up as my excuse for a lack of posts. In fact, one arrived weeks ago concerning the latest developments surrounding Ruddy Ruddy's harassment by Enchantress Hosiery. As has so often been the case, I've responded to their urgent entreaties to send them money by ignoring them entirely. However, such matters must be dealt with sooner or later, and the arrival today of the latest bit of mail for Ruddy Ruddy -- some samples of Pantene Pro-V shampoo and conditioner, about which I really have little to say except that they smell very nice and I would surely be happy to make use of them had I not cut off all my hair months ago -- compels me to return to unfinished business.

And yet, I seem to be afflicted with a certain magnanimity today. For instance, after being served at the deli counter at the supermarket tonight, I made a point of speaking to the store manager -- not to complain about poor service, but rather to praise the deli guy's expertise. (He may be slackjawed of countenance, but where his colleagues invariably prove less accurate, he has an astounding ability to consistently slice exactly as much salami as I want -- to the gram.) Nonetheless, although it may hamper my ability to be as scathing as the material may warrant, I shall attempt to soldier on despite my unfortunate (but surely temporary) generosity of spirit.

(As a side effect, I note that I'm also writing longer, more complicated sentences than usual -- be on the lookout for parenthetical asides (such as this one) -- in sesquipedalian vocabulary suggesting the manner of a Southern gentleman. Most peculiar.)

Anyway, on to the letter. It reads as follows:
CBCL
CANADIAN BONDED CREDITS LIMITED
Collection Agency/Agence de Revouvrement
101-7171 JEAN TALON E
ANJOU PQ
H1M 3N2
December 22, 2004

Client: ENCHANTRESS HOSIERY CORP OF CDA
Account number: 0042954699
Amount owing: $26.64

Dear Ruddy Ruddy

This is to advise you that the above account has been placed in our hands for immediate collection. Remit the balance of your account by return mail, or contact this office within FIVE (5) days if you wish to discuss your account.

CRÉANCES GARANTIES DU CANADA LIMITÉE
21478394 -- Y00 - Please quote this number on your payment to ensure proper credit.
You'll note that, although I didn't actually get it until afterward, they sent the letter off just in time for the holidays. Nothing smacks of the Christmas spirit like a collection letter. You'll also note that they apparently expected Ruddy Ruddy to contact their office within five (5) days (by December 27) to discuss his account in lieu of payment by mail. That actually sounds more than fair -- instead of paying up, one could just phone them and have a short conversation about the account, and then the matter would presumably be closed.

But that December 27 deadline just doesn't give Ruddy Ruddy a fighting chance to call. Even if somehow the letter had arrived by then -- and I think Canada Post has some policy about letting its employees off for Christmas and Boxing Day -- it's likely that Ruddy Ruddy would be out of town visiting the rest of the Ruddy clan when it came. And for that matter, do the employees of CBCL even work between December 22 and 27? I suppose it's possible they don't celebrate Christmas. They obviously don't think it's better to give than receive, for one thing, being a collection agency.

Did you also notice the amount they're asking for? It's $26.64. But Enchantress was asking for $24.64 before. They've tacked on two bucks without feeling it worthy of mention. Sneaky.

But after well over a month, they have yet to follow up, so perhaps they were kidding about the "immediate collection" bit. I guess we'll have to wait and see. They'll probably just give up like Collectcorp and Harlequin seem to have.

But in the meantime, check out the page I found at Cornerstone List Management when I was Googling Enchantress for its URL. It reads, in part:
Enchantress Hosiery has been a leading direct marketer in Canada for more than fifteen years. They offer a unique continuity program that offers women quality hosiery and lingerie through the convenience of direct mail. Enchantress Hosiery buyers spend $26 per package on average. Multi buyers spend approximately $200 a year. These lists represent 100% direct response buyers to the successful Enchantress Hosiery continuity program. Initially on a complimentary basis, buyers are given the opportunity to buy hosiery on a regular basis every four to eight weeks at great direct-to-you prices! Enchantress has four different alt-media vehicles and four lists available to target most consumer offers. For all test orders placed in the next six months, Enchantress will grant 20% off the base price.

ENCHANTRESS HOSIERY PIP-ENGLISH



Universe count:175,310
Base Cost:$80.0000 CDN
For more information, contact Victor Chang Ext 127
What Cornerstone List Management is doing here is selling other direct marketers a list of people who have bought pantyhose through Enchantress Hosiery's direct-mail program. I note that the average purchase is $26 per package, which is about what they're trying to extort from Ruddy Ruddy right now -- the default price of $24.64, with that extra two bucks tacked on.

So it seems as though the average purchaser doesn't change up her order to buy the less expensive hosiery, which would surely throw this average figure off a bit more. (according to the price list I've got, three pairs of the least expensive kind would come to only $14.34, including shipping and handling.) In fact, it seems as though the average buyer only ever buys one package, paid for only after Enchantress harasses her with invoice after invoice and finally gets a collection agency to fire off an intimidating letter demanding $26.64.

Well, they're not getting Ruddy Ruddy's money (as if there were ever any doubt). That's not just because Ruddy Ruddy -- okay, I -- don't want to pay for something not asked for and not received, but also because I've now seen confirmation in the form of that website that should Ruddy Ruddy provide proof of existence by becoming a direct response buyer, Enchantress and Cornerstone would then turn around and sell Ruddy Ruddy's name to other direct-mail marketers and split a cool $80 between them.

No, they won't be hearing from Ruddy Ruddy. But at this point, you may want to click on that link up there and tell Cornerstone's Victor Chang that he's a slimy, junk-mailing scumbag. That'd be fine with me and ol' Ruddy.