The Analects of Ruddy Ruddy

If there are any two words any more exciting to me right now than "Ruddy Ruddy", they are undoubtedly "Hong Kong". Fortunately, I do not have to choose between the two, because in a development that extends a growing worldwide phenomenon beyond North America and Europe into Asia, I am happy to report that Ruddy Ruddy has received an offering of mail from the southeast Asian island territory.

From the Confucius Publishing Co. Ltd. comes a handsomely packaged 18-language CD-ROM of the Lun Yü, which is known to English speakers as the Analects of Confucius. That's all 499 verses of Confucius' maxims and discussions with his disciples in your choice of English, Spanish, Portugese, French, Japanese, Italian, German, Tagalog, Malay, Dutch, Russian, Tamil, Korean, Arabic, and of course Traditional and Simplified Chinese. After 2500 years, the greatest hits of China's most influential teacher are all here, compiled on a single shiny disc.

Needless to say, this is very exciting. Ruddy Ruddy has received many useful things in the mail, from herpes medication to promises of untold wealth. But when was the last time someone mailed you enlightenment and inner peace?

The thing is just chock full of wisdom. For instance, let's see what good old Connie has to say about all these direct mailers who keep sending free stuff to Ruddy Ruddy even though they never see any profit:

Chapter 2, Verse 24

Confucius said,

"To make sacrificial offerings other than to the family dead is to be a debased flatterer. To know what is right and not to do it is to be without courage."

Zing! Take that, direct mailers! You just got schooled by the great sage of China!

Old friends and new

I've had some mail arrive for Ruddy Ruddy -- three postcards from Hugo Boss -- that are exhilarating on several levels. Firstly, they contain samples of Hugo, a fragrance for men. Let's say that again: A fragrance for men. For so long, Ruddy Ruddy has been mailed stuff for women that s/he began to question his/her own gender. It's fantastic to have his manhood validated.

Second, the return address on these postcards reads: P.P. CH-4002 Basel. A quick Google search confirms my suspicions and points to the origin of this mail as Basel, Switzerland. That's easily the most distant origin point of any mail sent to Ruddy Ruddy thus far. Ruddy Ruddy is quickly becoming a global phenomenon.

Lastly, the upper left hand corner reads:

This postcard was sent by:
Ruddy Ruddy

What? Is Ruddy Ruddy actually mailing things to himself? Why don't I remember this? The postcard also says "Thank you for visiting HUGO.com", but I remember doing no such thing. Could Ruddy Ruddy be mailing himself postcards from the future? Is there another Ruddy Ruddy who mailed this? Or is it the usual Ruddy Ruddy, but with his memory erased? This is truly a mind-twisting mystery straight out of a Philip K. Dick novel.

Thus, it is with some relief that I open the second arrival, with comes from our old friends at the Reader Service, who as you may remember, sent the Harlequin novels. Harlequin novels are much easier to comprehend than Philip K. Dick novels, although I note with alarm that their official websites each feature an oddly similar indigo diamond-like logo. Nevertheless, I forge onward and read the contents.

'STOPS' PLACED ON CREDIT, SHIPMENTS, ANY & ALL FREE GIFTS, the invoice says, reminding me that Ruddy Ruddy still owes the princely sum of $19.09. IT'S 105 DAYS SINCE WE LAST SHIPPED YOU BOOKS. THIS IS GETTING SERIOUS. WE MUST SETTLE THIS MATTER -- AND SETTLE IT SOON. SEE "URGENT" MESSAGE ENCLOSED.

I don't feel the sense of urgency that they do -- I'm the one who should be putting ironic quotation marks around the word, not them -- but I'll have a look at the message anyway. It's from the ever-hopeful Paula Morgan, the Customer Service Manager who wrote last month, and she says:

(In "handwritten" script) When can we expect to hear from you???
Do we need to talk on the telephone???

Dear Customer:

Because your account is months past due, I wrote you recently with an extended date for payment -- for some kind of response.

But so far we have no record of any reply from you, and THAT HAS US TERRIBLY CONCERNED.

After all, we've lived up to our promises ... free gifts, no strings attached -- free examination privileges, no obligation to buy.

BUT YOU HAVEN'T RECIPROCATED. You've simply kept books we sent you on approval, without paying for them.

Now both of us know that's not proper, and it's not fair. What's more, WE'RE NOT SO BIG OR SUCCESSFUL A COMPANY THAT WE CAN SIMPLY IGNORE A JUST DEBT.

So please do what is right. Either provide us with your phone number and best day and time to call -- or call us at one of our Customer Service Center numbers -- OR MAKE PAYMENT NOW!

Remember, we do want you as a customer in good standing! WE REALLY DO!

Sincerely,
Paula Morgan (in same "handwritten" script as above)
Paula Morgan, your
Customer Service Manager

Ruddy Ruddy is such a jerk for taking advantage of poor Paula and company and not reciprocating. Clearly Ruddy Ruddy should have sent them some unasked-for pulp novels in the mail in return and demanded payment from them. But despite their concern for his well-being, he didn't! That's not fair! Mo-om! I can hear them whine. Ruddy Ruddy took our books and he won't give them ba-ack! I should have known they couldn't ignore a just debt. After all, they endlessly obsess over unjust non-debts, so could you imagine if Ruddy Ruddy really owed them money?

Anyway, accompanying this comes a rather hopefully worded slip that reads:

This is another URGENT REMINDER about your unpaid balance, and if a phone conversation is what is necessary to clear matters up, so be it.

If you are not paying now, PLEASE WRITE YOUR PHONE NUMBER IN THE SPACE AT RIGHT, ALONG WITH THE BEST DAY AND BEST TIME OF DAY TO CALL, and return with the Statement enclosed. Alternately, if you are not paying now, you may if you wish call our Customer Service Center at 1-877-22-4748 between the hours of 7 a.m. and 11 p.m. EST.

One way or another, company policies diccate that we determine how you plan to deal with your account.

It pretty much sums up their whole approach: Vaguely threatening bluster, with nothing to really back it up except the optimism that I might just be foolish enough to give them my phone number (which they'd surely be able to track down if a debt really were owed) in order to harass me more directly.

Of course, I'm not stupid enough to actually mail in my phone number. But I'm half-inclined to arm myself with the appropriate statutes showing that they don't have a leg to stand on, call them up on their toll-free number ("if I wish", indeed!), and really give them the business about this.

On the other hand, I'll probably just let them stew a while longer.

R.I.P. Oxyura jamaicensis

My loyal Oxford correspondent brings some upsetting and alarming news: The UK government has eradicated the ruddy duck. This is an outrage. The ruddy duck (Oxyura jamaicensis) is described in this article as "a pushy American settler" and while as a Canadian I naturally sympathize, I cannot endorse genocide as the answer. Besides, as a Canadian still flushed with pride over our glorious victory in the Turbot War, I can also appreciate the fact that the male ruddy ducks like to fly to Spain and seduce all the female ducks.

A small, brash American who seduces his female Spanish counterparts with ease? The ruddy duck is no less than the Tom Cruise of waterfowl.

Rest in peace, ruddy duck. I shall order and wear this "Ruddy Justice" T-shirt in tribute to you.

Ruddy Ruddy may already be a winner!

"You have other stuff here," my housemate said, gesturing at a pile on the table.

"I don't care about my real mail!" I answered gleefully. Because I had mail for Ruddy Ruddy!

Indeed, Ruddy Ruddy has achieved the gold standard of junk mail reception: an "important notice" from Publisher's Clearing House. The back of the envelope was emblazoned with red handwriting that read, "Someone with these initials will be a winner!" This exciting message was followed by an arrow that pointed to a circle with the initials "RR" in it. Who could it be? It couldn't be Rod Roddy, because he's dead. It could be Ruddy Ruddy! It may very well be that Ruddy Ruddy will be a winner!

Naturally, I opened the envelope at once, my fingers trembling with anticipation. Inside was the Important Notice mentioned on the outside of the envelope. More red handwriting in the upper left-hand corner counseled, "I urge you to read this!" Say no more, I thought, and read it at once. Here is what it said:

WILL TORONTO RESIDENT
RUDDY RUDDY BECOME
A $10,000,000.00 WINNER THIS FEBRUARY 26TH?

Publisher's Clearing House confirms that someone
with the initials RR will definitely win a prize on this date!

December 29, 2003 -- Publisher's Clearing House, famous for awarding millions of dollars in prizes, is pleased to announce that Toronto resident RUDDY RUDDY could win $10,000,000.00 this February 26th when the Prize Patrol surprises a new winner with a BIG cheque, flowers, balloons, and champagne!

Ruddy Ruddy currently holds SuperPrize Number 4449 6498 1014, a number cleared for winner selection precessing upon timely return -- which means that it is included in the valid range of numbers fully eligible to win $10,000,000.00.

The February 26th winners list could include the name RUDDY RUDDY since someone with the initials RR will definitely be declared a winner of either $100.00 or maybe even the $10,000,000.00 SuperPrize.

"Winners do not know we are coming," says Dave Sayer, head of the Prize Patrol. "We just give them the good news while the video camera rolls, and see what their reaction is." The February 26th SuperPrize will bring the total amount of major prizes awarded by Publishers Clearing House to over $293 million.

How might RUDDY RUDDY react should the Prize Patrol show up with the "Big Cheque"? Perhaps like some past winners who screamed, cried, or even jumped for joy.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR RUDDY RUDDY: Do not delay. No one knows what the winning number is but it could be in your hands right now. Enter your number that's cleared for Winner Selection Processing by completing the enclosed instructions. The February 2nd deadline is fast approaching.

Hot diggety! This may be the best thing that's ever happened to Ruddy Ruddy! I especially like how they list the amount to two decimal places so it looks even bigger; a quick look might make you think you're going to win a billion dollars. The only bad thing about it is that Ed McMahon no longer seems to be involved. Oh, and the mountains of crap I'd undoubtedly sign myself up to get if I entered. Crap like the Original DividePro, colorized state quarters, the Deluxe Gopher (Ruddy Price only $29.99), and about a hundred other things advertised on enclosed flyers.

Well, I'm still booking February 26 off work and staying home all day to wait for the "big cheque." I was looking for an excuse anyway.

Ruddy Ruddy: The English perspective

My new favorite Englishwoman -- displacing the late, gin-swilling Queen Mum -- is Ruddy Buddy #1, Katherine in Oxford, England, who has about the friendliest postal code I've ever seen; it's all full of X's and O's and looks like it stands for "hugs and kisses." Her English upbringing (of which I'm sure I have completely the wrong idea, having read too many Enid Blyton books as a tot) has given her a unique perspective to bring to the field of Ruddyology, and I'll let her explain it here:

... thought you might like to know our family's definition of a ruddy ruddy (lower case). A ruddy ruddy is whatever you're thinking of; sort of like the x in an algebra equation. It's like a guessing game, where you try and get the other person to say the word you're thinking of. The formula always remains the same. For example:

Q: If I had it for breakfast this morning, what's ruddy ruddy?
A: Fruit.

I know, it's a bit random, but maybe all things Ruddy are... I think it got made up by one of my younger sisters when they were smaller on family holiday (you know how these things are) and it's just become one of those jokes. The word ruddy is now also used for emphasis, sort of like inoffensive swearing, and it's also morphed into rudder or even rudderhead as a term of abuse/endearment, depending on context.

I've seen the "mild swearing" usage of "ruddy" before from the British, where it's used as an intensive. I think it probably comes from "bloody" -- after all, it rhymes and it means "reddish". The rest of that stuff makes no sense. But Katherine's absolutely right -- all things Ruddy are a bit random, and a bit mysterious to boot. And that's where the beauty of it is.

Meltdown

Dash it! I did something idiotically absentminded today: I left a pot of boiling water on the stove to make soup and then went off to play online poker with Scott. It was not until later, when I was on my way back from the laundromat, that I realized what I'd done, and why the kitchen had started to smell a little odd earlier. I rushed home to find I'd boiled the pot bone-dry and that the house reeked of old bacon. Why bacon? I have no idea. I don't normally boil it in a pot, so it can't be residue on the cookware. Maybe it's residue on the burner? I don't know.

Oh, and sometime today, BlogSpeak apparently went down, owing to a suspended account on the part of the guy who runs it. So, for those of you who e-mailed me wondering where the comment boxes went, that's what happened. I guess I'll wait for a while and see if the guy gets up and running again. Until then, you can just e-mail any feedback that you might have straight to me.

Be a Ruddy Buddy!

Just a quick update to mention that there's no news. Well, there's no news in terms of Ruddy Ruddy mail coming in. However, I've been given an idea by a couple of enthusiastic visitors from across the pond, Katherine and Rosie, whom I've named official Ruddy Buddies. Because the few people I've named official Ruddy Buddies so far (i.e., Katherine and Rosie, plus my neighbour Elizabeth) seem to have been thoroughly delighted, I'm thinking there should be an official Ruddy Ruddy booster club.

I have no idea how much interest there might be for such a thing (although people seem to like the Ruddy Ruddy), and I haven't really thought out what joining up would entitle one to. However, membership will be free. I suppose that if you e-mail your name and mailing address to me, I'd probably mail you a membership card denoting your good standing as an official Ruddy Buddy. It would probably be numbered. It could possibly include your own ridiculous Ruddy-Ruddy-like pseudonym (which I might just take the liberty of selecting for you). And, of course, it would be signed by Ruddy Ruddy himself.

Of course, I might just be collecting names and e-mail and mailing addresses to sell to marketers. This could be just a really elaborate direct-mail scam. But, it's probably not. Ruddy Ruddy wouldn't do that to a buddy.

In which things come full circle

Of the scenarios listed previously, what actually happened is either scenario #1 or a combination of #1 and #3; While lots of mail for Ruddy Ruddy may well have arrived over the holidays, only to be thrown out by my brain-damaged housemate, I returned to find at least one letter in the mailbox.

My excitement mounted when I saw the message printed on the outside: Your new card is enclosed. Please confirm receipt by 2/15/04. Could it be, I wondered, that I'd acheived one of my big goals for Ruddy Ruddy -- namely, to get him a credit card?

Alas, no. However, the contents of the envelope were far from disappointing. I discovered upon opening the envelope that the career of Ruddy Ruddy had come full circle. Faithful readers familiar with the Ruddy Ruddy origin story will recall that the original Ruddy Ruddy (the Kingston-based incarnation who was the inspiration for the modern Toronto-based one) was apparently a member of Columbia House. Now, years later, this envelope contained a preferred membership card for the Columbia House Movie Club in the name of one Ruddy Ruddy, entitling him to take any 5 DVDS or videos for just 49 cents each.

I never thought Columbia House would invite Ruddy Ruddy to join again. Do they think that this is a different Ruddy Ruddy? Or have they forgotten the previous one? Or have they just forgiven him? If the last is true, did the original Ruddy Ruddy not defraud them too badly, then? Or could it be that Ruddy Ruddy played it honest with Columbia House and didn't defraud them at all? If so, why not? Could it be because there's a real Ruddy Ruddy walking around somewhere, one unwilling to spoil his credit history? Or have I been ruining the spotless credit record of the real McCoy?

These questions are too dizzying to contemplate. However, a more immediate question presents itself: To take the DVDs or not to take the DVDs? I don't think I will, since that, unlike taking all the freely given swag sent to Ruddy Ruddy thus far, would be real fraud.

However, were I to cash in, the best thing to do would probably to keep the demographic profile of Ruddy Ruddy as confusing as before by selecting a wide variety of movies that no one person could be expected to like. Accordingly, my picks from the little postage-stamp sheet are:

1. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
2. Scarface
3. Frida
4. Jackass: The Movie
5. Stuart Little 2