The Return of God

Old-tyme religion is a hot topic right now, what with Mel Gibson's Jesusploitation snuff film having just come out. I didn't get as much done at work today as I would have liked, owing to co-workers asking me if I intended to see it, grilling me as to why I didn't have any interest in doing so, and eventually praying ostentatiously for me to come to the bosom of Jesus. Everybody's soul is seemingly up for grabs these days, so it's not surprising that someone should make a play for Ruddy Ruddy's.

Gibson drew particularly heavily on the Gospel of John for his splatter flick, and appropriately enough, the people of the Living Water Project are relying on this perennial favorite too, sending Ruddy Ruddy a new copy. Of course, they've already sent two copies, which makes this the third copy.

Since I'm pretty sure another one will arrive soon enough, I'll just go ahead and say it: I know there are supposed to be four Gospels, but I always had the idea that they were four different books, not just four copies of the same one. Come on, Living Water! Mix it up a little! Let's have some Matthew, Mark, and John. And then why not get really interesting and send the apocryphal Gospel of Thomas?

Fortunately, another book has arrived, this one sent by the International Lutheran Laymen's League (who are licenced to I.L.L.L.). They're a division of Lutheran Hour Ministries, or maybe it's the other way around. They've kindly mailed a copy of The Puzzle Club Christmas Mystery, just in time for March. The Puzzle Club, for those not in the know, is more or less your usual multicultural child detective team (but don't think that multiculturalism translates to enlightenment; the white one's the leader, the Asian one is handy at tinkering with technical things, and the black one prefers to conceal his identity with disguises). They're joined by a crimebusting parakeet and an older man who's a twice-failed small business owner and a probable pedophile.

So here's the story in a nutshell (spoilers ahead, as if you care):

Young Michelle Pennington's dad is accused of having disappeared with the money for the town's Christmas parade. Later, somebody steals all the figures from the nativity scene in the town square (this story taking place in an idealized America where nativity scenes are still allowed in town squares) except the manger and the figure of little baby Jesus. The Puzzle Club, one of whom has previously seen a spooky mysterious shape in the local abandoned mansion, checks out the old house and find Mr. Pennington. He'd given the parade money to the carnival man (whomever that might be; no carnival man has been mentioned heretofore, and he's likely only being worked in to the story here as a slur against gypsies), who ran off with it. Then Pennington emotionally abused his wife and ran off, stealing the nativity scene as a reminder of the Christmas that he was missing. So why didn't he steal Jesus? He doesn't say, but the Puzzle Club are seemingly convinced he should have, and this is where they suddenly get all religious, which comes from out of nowhere, because they haven't so much as said "bless you" in response to a sneeze until now:

Alex felt sorry for Michelle's dad. I don't understand, Mr. Pennington," he said. "You took the nativity figures, but you left the baby Jesus," he said. "What's Christmas without Jesus?"

Christopher put a hand on Pennington's arm. "God loves you," he said. "Christmas is about God sending His Son, Jesus, into our crazy world." But Todd Pennington's shoulders still slumped with the weight of his guilt.

Alex stepped up. "God understands that we can mess things up pretty badly."

"He gave up His Son's life to bring us forgiveness," Korina added.

Tobias smiled so warmly he almost glowed. "the kids are saying that forgiveness through Jesus gives you a fresh start."

His face shining with hope, Pennington rushes home, just in time to catch his wife and daughter before they leave town forever. What kind of monstrous things did he say to provoke this reaction from his wife? Or is she just some kind of drama queen? Who knows? Doesn't matter -- it's all forgiven immediately, despite the fact that she'd been ready to leave town forever and all that. And in more good news, we find on Christmas morning that the Sheriff has "got some leads on that carnival thief." And that's all we ever find out about that. Whether not the thief is ever brought to justice (and presumably, allowed to bask in the forgiveness of Jesus) lies outside the scope of this book. Instead, we end like so:

Michelle and her mother watched as Todd Pennington gently placed the figure of baby Jesus in the manger. He thought of the real baby who had come to be his Savior. "Thank You," he whispered, "for the hope of my fresh start."

What the hell? Why is he putting baby Jesus back in the manger? It's already been painfully well established that baby Jesus was never taken out of the manger -- for whatever reason, he took all the other figures except these ones. I know Jesus has a history of pulling weird disappearing/reappearing acts (e.g., Easter), but this doesn't sit well with me at all.

We're number one!

Scott informs me that this site now comes up in the number one spot if you do a Google search on "ruddy ruddy". (Bob Ruddy has not only acceded to my demands that he give up the top spot, but has slid all the way to fifth place.)

The next goal: Come in first in a Google search on "ruddy". Right now, this site is in fifth, while the top spot is held by a journalist named Christopher Ruddy. Judging by this article, he's a Bush supporter:

Make no mistake about it: I am voting for George Bush in November. President Bush inherited an economic and national security mess and has returned America to a semblance of sanity in a remarkably short period of time.

I'm going to enjoy taking this guy down. It's just a pity he's obviously so far out of touch with reality that he won't be aware of his crushing defeat.

Let's do the time warp again

You can have your Anaheim, Californias, and your Orlando, Floridas. Me, I'll take Minden, Nebraska. What's in Minden, Nebraska, you ask? Oh, nothing. Only the largest private collection of Americana anywhere. That's right -- if you're not interested in checking out the authentic Americana of Harold Warp Pioneer Village for your next vacation, perhaps you'd prefer to go to the Afghanistan/Pakistan border and get your picture taken with Osama bin Laden.

I really should be writing their advertising. However, let's see how they did on their own:

"Dear Friend," begins the letter sent to Ruddy Ruddy from the pioneer village (although not from Harold Warp himself; it's not explicitly stated that he's deceased, but given that he was born in 1903 and that his son now runs the place, it's a good bet). "Thank you for interest [sic] in the HAROLD WARP PIONEER VILLAGE." I don't actually recall requesting any information on the subject, but I suppose my interest was great enough that I opened the envelope and read the first line of the letter, rather than throwing it away, so I'll admit that there haven't been any false claims here. Considering how many people claim Ruddy Ruddy begged them to bombard him with junk mail, that's somewhat refreshing.

And happily, the place does seem kind of interesting. Considering that the village has adjoining campgrounds, and that it's a mere 1654 km from Toronto to Minden, Nebraska (as the crow flies), I'm about ready to load up the Ruddy Ruddy RV and set off on the twenty-odd hour trip.

"STROLL LESS THAN A MILE DOWN MEMORY LANE," entices the map. (That's what I call a short memory.) The village covers 20 acres of land and 175 years of history, and contains more than 50,000 items from every field of human endeavor in 28 buildings. These include "extinct cars", Abe Lincoln's sugar bowl, and the oldest merry-go-round in the U.S., which is steam-powered and costs only a nickel to ride. "See Buffalo Bill's saddle in a glass case," beckons the pamphlet, ambiguously. Is the saddle going to be in the glass case, or are you? You'll never know unless you go see for yourself!

Now it's time for something I like to call "my little insurance policy"

Two new pieces of mail have arrived. Since the first one has something to do with insurance, it's kind of boring. But since it's also a letter to Ruddy Ruddy, it's inherently interesting. The second one, I don't quite understand.

"This is not an advertisement. This is the information you requested," lies the first envelope, which comes from Long-Term Care Quote in Chandler, AZ, which sells insurance polices from Metropolitan Life, Prudential, and General Electric Capital. While it's intriguing to think about taking out an insurance policy on Ruddy Ruddy and then faking his death, the more fascinating thing is that they casually toss off a bit of information about Ruddy Ruddy that I didn't even know they had, which is all the more surprising because I didn't know it myself. At the top of the application, they've got the name and address, but they list the name as "Mr. Ruddy, age 55."

The second comes from MKD Environmental, and reads, "Here is your requested information on how to earn '81k and 800/mo car allowance':" on the front. Why the single quotes around '81k and 800/mo car allowance'? I don't know. And when did I request this anyway? I don't know that either.

Anyway, even though it says it's got the information I requested, there's not enough information inside to understand exactly what I'm being informed about. It seems to be letting me know about some kind of business opportunity, and encourages me to study the Manager Makers website and the official Ecoquest website, the latter of which is run by the people who sent this letter, a couple named "Mary and kenn dziedzic". That's the way the names are written. kenn, the actual author of the letter, is clearly from the supposed e.e. cummings school of capitalization. Why? I'd guess the lack of capitalization in kenn's name may have to do with the Christian virtue of humility, because his letter contains passages like the following:

Here is an overview of the information you will find in this letter:
1. First, instructions for looking at my official Ecoquest website at www.ecoquest.com/rainbow where you can see our products and get information on our home based business opportunity. Mary and I chose the name 'rainbow' because the rainbow is the Lord's promise made visible to us that he will never destroy the whole inhabited earth again. It is also seen as the Lord's promise of a better way, a better life.
Instructions for getting into this site can be found below.

and this one, which displays some bad use of the infinitive "to become" and some inconsistent capitalization of the holy pronoun:

My prayer for you, as with all the people who respond to me for this business opportunity is this: If God would have you to become involved He would show you, and that if he does not want you to become involved and would not bring you blessings in our business, then my prayer is that he would close the door for you and show you that this is not a path for you. I will look forward to our next conversation.

So, kenn doesn't look forward to the next conversation at this time, but he will look forward to it. That actually makes sense, since he and Ruddy Ruddy would have to have that first conversation before that next one can happen. Unfortunately, God has closed the door and shown Ruddy Ruddy that this is not a path for him. Sorry, kenn.

Get cracking!

Following the arrival of the beer poster, Ruddy Ruddy's culinary adventures continued last night with the arrival of a thick envelope from the Ontario Egg Producers. I'd like to mock the contents, but frankly, I've been presented with the most amazing collection of egg-related knowledge that I've ever seen. I'm impressed and even grateful for all the useful info.

For example, do you know what the size category of egg below "small" is (less than 42 g)? I do now: It's "peewee". Among other things, I can now tell you more than you want to know about the anatomy of an egg, the differences between the different commercial grades, the nutritional value and health benefits of eating eggs, and what the colour of the yolk indicates about the hen's diet. Here's just a sampling of the pamphlets and brochures included: Eggs ... So Many Choices, Cholesterol Clues, and Bringing Fats into Focus.

They didn't include anything explaining why they sent all this egg information, but I do have a pretty good idea who passed them Ruddy Ruddy's name: the Chicken Farmers of Ontario, who named Ruddy Ruddy an Official Ontario Chicken Lover back in December. So this actually solves the old riddle about which comes first -- the chicken or the egg. For Ruddy Ruddy, it's the chicken.

Mooseheads, mooseheads, roly poly mooseheads

My chest pounded with excitement yesterday when I found an envelope addressed to "R. Rudy" in my mailbox. Why the excitement? For one thing, the address was handwritten, and I tingled with glee to think that somebody actually saw the name "Ruddy Ruddy" and spelled it out by hand (if badly), rather than some computer simply spitting out the name onto a label. But the excitement largely stemmed from the name of the sender: Moosehead Breweries Limited.

Please let there be coupons for free beer inside, I thought, ripping it open. However, it was not to be. Instead of coupons for fine New Brunswick lager, the envelope merely contained a folded-up poster depicting a close-up of the label of a bottle of Moosehead, beaded with droplets of condensation. The motto "Quality & Tradition Since 1867" was emblazoned in the upper right hand corner.

This motto raises an interesting question. The company website says, "Moosehead, our beers are brewed with a century-old commitment to quality and excellence." However, the company has been brewing beer since 1867, which was 137 years ago. So, either the website hasn't been updated since the company centennial 37 years ago (unlikely, since the first design paper for the Internet precursor known as the ARPANET was only published that year, and Moosehead probably wasn't so far ahead of the curve as to already have their own website at that point), or Moosehead has had a commitment to quality and tradition all along, but didn't really care one way or another about excellence until 1904.

Other than the motto on the poster, there were no words whatsoever in the envelope. Usually, when Ruddy Ruddy gets sent free stuff, there's some kind of accompanying letter that explains why it's been mailed (usually a baldfaced claim that Ruddy Ruddy asked for it). This was just a poster in an envelope, sent for no clear reason, although it seems like this might be the way something could arrive if I actually had requested it and therefore expected it. Since I didn't, Moosehead's reasons for sending it to me must remain obscure. Nevertheless, I'm thankful, for this poster will be a fine addition to the Wall of Ruddy Ruddy, whenever I get around to putting that back up.

We're number two! We're number two!

I'm informed that if you do a Google search on "Ruddy Ruddy", this site now comes up in the number two spot. (Actually, this site is number three, but the first and second entries appear to point to the same thing.) Not too long ago, you'd have only gotten information about the tragically fated ruddy duck.

The number one entry is the user profile for Bob Ruddy, aka ruddy@ruddy.net. I don't know who he is, or what this ruddy.net is, but I say this: Yield the top spot, Bob. The ruddy duck isn't the only thing that can be eradicated, you know.

Update: Our Oxford correspondent, Katherine, informs me that this site comes up in the number one and two spots if you use the British version of Google. Take that, Bob Ruddy, you ... uh ... bleedin' wanker!

Once and for all, it all pays off

Ruddy Ruddy has been sent plenty of good things, but never any delicious things. That's all changed. Thanks to Tree of Life/Gourmet Award Foods' location in Mississauga (which isn't located too far from my office, as it turns out), my mailbox has yielded a bubble-wrap-protected mailing envelope with samples of Jelly Belly jellybeans and the new JBz, which consist of "a rich milk chocolate center in a tasty shell bursting with great true-to-life Jelly Belly flavors." To put it more succinctly, they consist of pure deliciousness.

Admit it: You have never been as jealous of Ruddy Ruddy as you are now.