More crying and begging

Once again, the Reader Service Center continues their futile quest to extract payment from Ruddy Ruddy for the unasked-for Harlequin novels they sent. Except this time, judging by the additional handwritten font over the name and return address, the company seems to now be called the Phillip Brownley Reader Service Center. The handwritten font also says DATED MAIL -- Open and read immediately! And so, dear reader, that is how I came to be making this update several days after I actually received this envelope: If these slimeballs want my immediate attention, I can easily find something else to do for a while.

Now then, contained inside the envelope is a letter marked OFFICE OF THE CREDIT MANAGER across the top. Here is what it says:

OFFICIAL NOTICE OF REVIEW

DEAR RUDDY RUDDY

THE READER SERVICE RECEIVED AN ORDER FROM YOU SOME TIME AGO AND IMMEDIATELY PROCESSED IT. THE SERVICE THEN SENT YOU FREE GIFTS -- AND WITH REGULAR SHIPMENTS EXTENDED CREDIT, DISCOUNTS AND OTHER PRIVILEGES.

NOW, SOME FOUR-AND-A HALF MONTHS SINCE OUR LAST SHIPMENT TO YOU, OUR COMPUTER RECORDS SHOW THAT YOUR READER SERVICE MEMBERSHIP AND PRIVILEGES HAVE BEEN SUSPENDED. THE RECORDS FURTHER SHOW THAT YOU STILL OWE $ 19.09 FOR A SHIPMENT(S) DATED AS LONG AGO AS 10-08-03.

THE FOREGOING IS BASED ON THE INFORMATION WE HAVE IN OUR FILES AS OF 02-19-04 , AND MY PURPOSE NOW IS TO ASCERTAIN THE ACCURACY OF THIS FACT PRIOR TO TAKING ANY FURTHER ACTION.

IF YOU HAVE ANY REASON TO DISPUTE OR DISAGREE WITH THE SUMMARY ABOVE, PLEASE SO ADVISE. SIMPLY WRITE YOUR EXPLANATION ON THE BACK OF THIS LETTER AND RETURN IN THE REPLY ENVELOPE PROVIDED.

ALTERNATELY, IF OUR FACTS ARE CORRECT, YOU MAY SETTLE THIS MATTER AND YOUR ACCOUNT BY PAYING THE $ 19.09 WE SHOW AS OUTSTANDING. JUST BE SURE TO WRITE YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER ON YOUR PAYMENT, THEN RETURN YOUR PAYMENT TO US WITH THIS LETTER.

PLEASE IN ANY EVENT GIVE THIS YOUR IMMEDIATE ATTENTION. A LOT OF TIME HAS GONE BY, AND WE NEED TO HAVE YOUR REPLY BY 03-31-04.

RESPECTFULLY YOURS,

PHILLIP BROWNLEY

PHILLIP BROWNLEY
FOR THE READER SERVICE

I'm still not sure what Phillip Brownley's position is at the company. The letterhead implies he might be the credit manager, but from the envelope, I thought he'd taken over the place and the "for the Reader Service" part makes me suspect he's a special troubleshooter called in from outside to deal with the most intractable deadbeats. Anyway, I liked that Paula Morgan better. I could go on about his false assertion that Ruddy Ruddy ever sent the Reader Service an order, as they claim, but that's territory well trodden.

So let's look at another misleading part in the letter, one that the editors who may be reading can appreciate: the usage of the word "alternately", suggesting Ruddy Ruddy can follow only one of the two courses of action that the letter lists. Well, actually, "alternately" means "by turns", so they seem to be suggesting that Ruddy Ruddy first dispute the charges, then pay them (and possibly that Ruddy Ruddy should keep repeating this process.) But strictly speaking, "alternatively", which is what the writer probably means to say, refers to a situation with exactly two options.

And yet, I can think of a third option: ignoring the letter and doing absolutely nothing until the Reader Service ends up spending more on the collection process than the $19.09 that they intend to collect, and eventually give up. Given that they keep alluding to further action but can't really come up with anything more threatening than the permanent loss of membership and privileges because they aren't actually owed anything, can you guess which choice Ruddy Ruddy will make?

Also inside the envelope, there's a reply envelope and a card that says:

LAST CHANCE
This is your last chance to have your Reader Service membership and privileges reinstated.

So if you're paying now and want your membership and privileges resumed, please return the 2 GREEN YES LABELS at right. Stick 1 Label on the front of your reply envelope, stick the other on the back of the reply--then mail. (Note--if you're paying but don't want your membership and privileges reinstated, return the RED NO LABELS, placing them on the front and back of your reply envelope instead.)

There's just one problem: There aren't any labels anywhere in the envelope. And since Ruddy Ruddy's supposed to send a label if he's paying and wants his privileges back and he's supposed to send a label if he's paying and doesn't want his privileges back, then it's obvious that Ruddy Ruddy simply can't pay.

Well, that settles that.