Once again, our good friends from the Reader Service Center write to Ruddy Ruddy concerning the
Harlequin novels they sent, and once again, I've put their desperately pressing correspondence aside for a week or two before turning my attention to it. My apologies (to you, the loyal reader -- not to the Reader Service). This most recent letter, which arrives in an envelope marked "OFFICIAL NOTICE", comes with a big red "stamp" effect at the top that doesn't make a good deal of sense, considering that it appears on a letter being mailed
to Ruddy Ruddy instead of to one of his potential creditors:
MEMBERSHIP &
CREDIT PRIVILEGES
REVOKED
STOP--EXTEND NO MORE CREDIT TO THIS
INDIVIDUAL. DO NOT SEND ANY MORE FREE
GIFTS. DISCONTINUE ANY AND ALL OTHER
SUBSCRIBER PRIVILEGES AND BENEFITS.
ACCEPT NO MORE ORDERS
FROM THIS INDIVIDUAL
Dear Sir/Madam:
This is A HIGH PRIORITY MESSAGE.
This is to inform you that your name and account are being placed in a CREDIT REVOKED status.
This means you are no longer eligible for credit from us. You no longer qualify for free gifts or any other benefits; all subscriber privileges are cancelled.
In addition and most importantly, you shuld be aware that WE HAVE OTHER RIGHTS OF RECOURSE including turning your account over to independent Professional Bill Collectors to effect collection.
If you know any reasons why your name and account should not be classified as CREDIT REVOKED -- OR ANY REASON WHY ANY OTHER ACTION SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN -- please give us those reasons by return mail.
Otherwise, YOU MAY IF YOU WISH PAY THE SUM ON THE ENCLOSED INVOICE, AND THE MATTER WILL BE ENDED. We will block out othe CREDIT REVOCATION, and no further action will be taken.
Which will it be for you? THE CHOICE IS YOURS!
Respectfully,
Phillip Brownley
Accompanying this letter is an "OVERDUE INVOICE" slip that threatens "INDEPENDENT COLLECTION AGENCY NOTIFICATION PENDING."
Pending what? It's like they're saying they
might eventually sic a collection agency on Ruddy Ruddy. It seems like an empty threat.
I'm really not that concerned about any collection agency threatening Ruddy Ruddy, since Ruddy Ruddy doesn't have a phone. In fact, there isn't even an R. Ruddy
listed in the Greater Toronto Area. So, there's not much that a collection agency could really do to track down the $19.09 that the Reader Service Center alleges that Ruddy Ruddy owes, other than send some amusing letters. I suppose that if the matter did go to a collection agency, it could negatively affect Ruddy Ruddy's credit rating and keep him from eventually receiving a credit card, which I've always wanted to see. But somehow I doubt it, since as we know, old Ruddy doesn't actually owe the Reader Service anything for their unasked-for free gifts.
This reminds of a story from when I was in Grade 8, when I went to school with this obnoxious nerd named Buck. (I'd better not mention his full name here, since he could very possibly now be some kind of elite hacker with the ability to drain my bank account or remotely make my computer explode. So, as long as I make sure that this page doesn't come up if he Googles himself, I should be fine, right?)
Anyway, we were all standing around outside during one recess break, and for reasons I can't recall, Buck called me a "fag". I wasn't particularly offended, so instead of kicking the Buckster's ass, as would have been my right according to the code of the schoolyard, I merely feinted at him like I was going to hit him.
Buck twisted and scrambled to elude me, slipped on some gravel, and fell on the pavement in a crumpled heap. At just that moment, every kid in the schoolyard turned, pointed, and laughed mockingly at the universally unpopular Buck with perfect synchronization. With tears in his eyes and blood dripping from his scrapes, Buck scrambled to his feet and wailed, "I'm telling on you!"
"Go ahead," I called after him, laughing, as he fled into the school. "I didn't even
touch you!"
See, Reader Service Center, this is you. You can yell "I'm telling!", but it's an empty threat, because you started it, you managed to hurt yourself, and no amount of tattling can fix things. Nerd.
