Nothing new under the sun

You'll never guess what Ruddy Ruddy's middle name is.

Give up? It's Ruddy. I'll bet you never saw that coming.

I'm not sure what made the Christadelphian Bible Study Center decide to address the envelope they recently sent to "Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy". Perhaps they were just taking a logical guess as to the recipient's middle name. Or perhaps "Ruddy" is officially written down as Ruddy Ruddy's middle name on some dossier out there that's being passed back and forth from one direct mailer to another, and this is just the first time anyone's ever bothered to write it down on the mailing label.

I'm a little worried, though, that this just might be a matter of inflation and that it could spiral out of control. Three names is the usual state of affairs -- first, middle, and last. But what if I get a letter addressed to Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy next? We'll be fast departing from any sort of traditional rules of nomenclature, and who knows where we'll end up? Eventually, direct mailers could be printing the recipient's name as fifty Ruddys in a row. Future updates might read something like

So, those jokers from the Christadelphian Bible Study Center sent yet another collection letter to Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy today. What's to be done with these people? I need not tell you that Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy Ruddy didn't order all those bibles, and they if they want to put Collectcorp on the case, they're welcome to do so. Anyway, bibles are supposed to be free, right?

Needless to say, this would be extremely taxing for both you, the reader, and me, the simple mail fraudster. We'll be crushed under the weight of all those Ruddys. I've got to make like Alan Greenspan and cut inflation. I'm limiting things to two Ruddys, max.

A longtime Ruddy Ruddy afficionado might recall the Christadelphian Bible Study Center, who first sent an offering over a year ago, before I'd even spun the Ruddy Ruddy posts off into a separate blog. (Go ahead. Click the link. Take a trot down memory lane. How young we all were then! How innocent we were before the untimely passing of Elliot Smith, Rod Roddy, and Road Warrior Hawk such a short time later.)

As before, they've mailed three bookmarks to be used to organize Ruddy Ruddy's bible readings for the coming year. And these have exactly the same assigned readings as the three bookmarks they sent last year. So either they're assuming that Ruddy Ruddy has just about finished the Good Book from cover to cover like a good little Christian soldier and is already gung ho to do it over again, or they're assuming that Ruddy Ruddy probably gave up and would like to take another crack at it, taking things from the top. Of course, the accompanying letter, which thanks Ruddy Ruddy for expressing his interest at their website, is exactly the same one as last year, so maybe they just think Ruddy Ruddy is signing up anew. Who knows?

The theme of repetition continues with the next piece of mail, which just arrived today. If you've got your eye on the calendar and are keeping track of what's due to arrive in Ruddy Ruddy's mailbox, then ... well, then you're paying more attention to this than I am. But you'll also know that it's about time for Enchantress Hosiery to get on Miss Ruddy Ruddy's case again. The outside of the envelope reads

Mark, I changed the lock It broke. So I installed a new one I'll be home tonight

That's not from Enchantress, of course. That's just a note from one of my housemates to another, written after I locked myself out of the house and then smashed the lock so no one else could get in. And how does she repay me for my property damage? By defacing my precious Ruddy Ruddy mail with her semi-literate scribbling. An eye for an eye. There's an Old Testament bible reading for you, Christadelphian Bible Study Center.

I should also point that the way she wrote the note actually looks like "I changed the cock". A clear Freudian slip. She's obviously pent-up.

Anyway, what does Enchantress say? Pretty much what'd you'd expect.

FINAL NOTICE
YOUR ACCOUNT WILL NOW BE ASSIGNED TO A COLLECTION AGENCY

NAME: MISS RUDDY RUDDY
ACCOUNT NUMBER 004295469-9
AMOUNT DUE: $24.64
ACCOUNT STATUS: Delinquent
ACTION: Assign to specialist collection agency

IF THE AMOUNT DUE $24.64 IS NOT PAID IN FULL BY 22-Nov-04, YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE ASSIGNED TO A SPECIALIST COLLECTION AGENCY.

Pay by cheque or credit card using the above payment stub. Send your payment in the enclosed envelope TODAY. Or pay online www.enchantress hosiery.com.

Viktor Kreiger
Collections Officer

Copy to: COLLECTION AGENCY FILE--Accounts Pending [Enchantress Hosiery]

Well, we might be on a roll with this repetition thing, so I'm tempted to give Enchantress the same response I've given them month after month: Zero dollars. But in the spirit of the Christadelphians, I shall leave them with something more:

You trample on the poor
and force him to give you grain.
Therefore, though you have built stone mansions,
you will not live in them;
though you have planted lush vineyards,
you will not drink their wine.

Amos 5:11