Less than enchanted with Enchantress

What's this? It's the first-ever drunken Ruddy Ruddy update. I stopped off after work to have a lot of beer with one James R. Pinkerton, who happens to write a very, very funny weblog, and inspired by his great works, I vowed as I returned home that if there were a letter for Ruddy Ruddy in my mailbox, I would write an update. There was, and I am.

Does being drunk help one write? I don't know -- you tell me. It certainly helps one slightly piss his pants during the last few frantic steps to the toilet, I can tell you that. And being drunk never seemed to hurt James Joyce when it came to writing, not that anyone knew what he was saying anyway.

Now, I've got a letter here addressed to Miss Ruddy Ruddy. It says FIRST CLASS MAIL, and it comes from Scarborough, Ontario. Also, it says STATEMENT ENCLOSED in big letters. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that it's from Enchantress Hosiery, who, as you may recall, thinks that Ruddy Ruddy owes them some money. Think I'm right?

Yes. I'm a master of deduction. I'm C. Auguste Dupin. I'm Dixon Hill. I'm a regular Lance Lawson. I'm practically every fictional detective you know who deals with fictional crimes, such as those commited by the non-existent Ruddy Ruddy. As I predicted, here comes Enchantress Hosiery of Canada once again, dunning Ruddy Ruddy to the tune of $24.64 for 1 free pair of Trouser Socks along with 3 pairs of Sheer pair of Ultra Control Top. This is hosiery, need I remind you, that Miss Ruddy Ruddy never even got in the mail, so even if she'd ordered it, she shouldn't owe anything.

What have these people to say for themselves? As always, I shall transcribe:

ACCOUNT STATUS: DELINQUENT

Dear Miss Ruddy,

You have failed to respond to our earlier requests to pay your account, which is seriously overdue. Your account has now been assigned to our Delinquent Accounts Department.

We have suspended your credit privileges.

We are giving you an opportunity to pay your account before we are forced to forward your file to the Collections Office.

Under the terms of our offer, if you do not pay your invoice, you just return your shipment. We have not received your payment. We have not received your shipment back.

Please pay $24.64 NOW to avoid any further action.

P. Caponio
Delinquent Accounts Supervisor

P.S. If you do not wish to receive any more shipments, please write "CANCEL" on the payment stub when you return it with your payment.

The first thing I notice here is that where Collectcorp tries to intimidate Ruddy Ruddy with a Germanic name, Enchantress turns to another of the Axis powers and orders in some Italian. I suppose Ruddy ought to be worrying about Don Caponio having her knees broken or sending her to sleep with the fishes, or whatever.

I don't get these people. They say that if Ruddy doesn't pay her invoice, she's got to return her shipment. But she never got the shipment to begin with! So she can't return it, obviously. Is she then obligated to pay the invoice, due to an inability to return the shipment? I can think of a lot of reasons that that's just not going to happen.

And then they go on to say that if Ruddy Ruddy doesn't want to recive any more shipments, she should write "CANCEL" on her payment stub when she sends it back. So if this isn't done, is Enchantress Hosiery going to keep sending shipment after shipment of pantyhose? That seems like poor business practice -- they're just throwing good money after bad.

Well, bring it on, Enchantress! Send hose after hose to Ruddy Ruddy, because you're not getting a payment stub with the word "CANCEL" written on it, because you're not getting a payment stub period! You get nothing!