Enchantress Hosiery of Canada: A new foe

As my few remaining readers know, I've all but ignored Ruddy Ruddy over the last three months, during which time I was in training for a body transformation contest (which I won). The mail does not stop, however, and it turns out that the last three months have been a more interesting time for Ruddy Ruddy than I had realized.

When I got home from work today, there was an envelope for Miss Ruddy Ruddy sitting on the kitchen table. This piece of mail was particularly compelling because it didn't identify the sender at all, but was emblazoned with the words "FIRST CLASS MAIL" under the return address (which was the mysterious P.O. Box 5200, Scarborough, Ontario). Knowing that nothing good has ever come out of Scarborough -- a suburban wasteland that has vomited out the likes of the Barenaked Ladies and Eric McCormack of Will and Grace -- it was with a mixture of fascination and trepidation that I tore open this inscrutable envelope.

To my surprise, it was an invoice from Enchantress Hosiery of Canada demanding payment of $24.64. What's more, it was actually a third notice -- dated July 13 -- demanding payment of this past-due amount within the next 15 days. On the whole, it was a classier, more professional dunning letter than one you could expect from the likes of, say, the Reader Center, but of course they won't be getting a dime from Miss Ruddy Ruddy.

But I was curious: Do the employees of a Canadian hosiery company have to endure being incessantly referred to as "hosers" until it just isn't funny anymore? And more importantly, what had I missed over the last three months? Rooting through my pile of unopened Ruddy Ruddy mail (and I will apologize right now for the existence of a pile of unopened Ruddy Ruddy mail, but I've been busy, and it'll all be opened in due time), I found an envelope that looked identical to the first one, which, come to think of it, is probably actually the third one. I opened this other one. It, too, was an invoice, dated May 14.

"Dear Miss Ruddy," it began. "Several weeks ago we sent you a specially priced introductory shipment of our hosiery (see above details). Our records indicate we have not yet received your payment for this shipment. Please pay your account now, while you are thinking about it." Then it offered three easy ways to pay. This seemed to have been the first invoice; no second invoice could be found, although one would guess that it must have been mailed out around June 13 or 14. But where was this hosiery?

Curiouser and curiouser. I dug through the pile of mail again, eventually uncovering -- sure enough -- a vacuum-sealed package of hosiery dated Feb 28. (It looks like my mail pile has been building longer than I've thought.) "Enjoy your FREE SAMPLE of Enchantress Pantyhose with our compliments!" said the package. Risibly, the company refers to itself as "The 'No Obligation To Buy' Hosiery Service" in the letter inside, which explains that three more pairs of the same hose would be sent within the next six weeks (on approval only) and that the recipient could change her selection on the change of order form and return the next shipment with no further obligation. A look at the change of order form showed that it couldn't be used to change one's order to "none", but only to different varieties and colours. And who would have to pay for the return of this next shipment, if it wasn't wanted -- the sender or the recipient? But since the next shipment was to come on approval only, and no such approval was given, then there shouldn't have been any need to worry about any more life-complicating hosiery arriving, right?

I returned to the May 14 invoice. Under the three easy ways to pay, the letter explained more: "Your introductory shipment followed the FREE SAMPLE we sent to you earlier, and we'd like to thank you again for deciding to give our hosiery service a try." I looked at the "above details" that had been mentioned earlier. Another package of hosiery had been sent on April 6, or so they claimed.

I rooted through the pile of mail again. There weren't any more shipments of hosiery. If they did mail it out, it never arrived. Perhaps someone swiped it in transit. My female housemates are too honest (and butch) to steal hosiery, though. Is there something I should know about my mailman?

Whether this package was stolen or not, it's clear who the real crooks are: Enchantress Hosiery of Canada, who are pulling the same sleazy shenanigans as the Reader Service, if not worse. (And since they readily identify themselves as a member of the Canadian Marketing Association, there's someone to complain to about their tactics.) Miss Ruddy Ruddy never asked for a free sample, never bothered opening the one that arrived, and never approved any further shipments, which -- in any case -- didn't show up. And now they're trying to hose (so to speak) Miss Ruddy Ruddy for $24.64. This so-called Enchantress is no more than an unscrupulous, snake-oil-selling mountebank.