This Ruddy Ruddy is your last chance
Good god -- has it already been a month? It has. Sorry about the hiatus, but I'm nearing the end of a vigorous three-month regimen of dieting, cardio and weight training. Normally, I hate people who use their blogs to go on and on about their personal lives that I don't care about, but I thought I should mention this as this is my excuse: The whole thing's kept me pretty busy and without even a spare minute for poor old Ruddy Ruddy. But it's a Sunday night, I've got some Crest Whitestrips in my mouth, and I have a half hour to kill. And if you've ever had Crest Whitestrips in your mouth, you know that it's one incredibly long half hour. For all the disclaimers on the side of the box, you'd think they'd have one about the damage that excess use of them can do to the time-space continuum through their relativistic time-slowing effect.
Each time I lay off the page for a while, it seems like there's one junk mailer who can pull me back in: the Reader Service. One again, they've mailed on behalf of Harlequin, this time with what the envelope warns is the "LAST CHANCE -- FINAL NOTICE." Picking up the envelope from where I've let it sit for the last month and opening it, the first thing we see is a black card, upon which is printed in large yellow type, on both the front and the back, "LAST CHANCE to STOP the BILL COLLECTOR." Good use of colour contrast -- nice and dramatic.
The accompanying letter is short, to the point, and attached directly to the invoice, which carries an intriguing message in small type: "OFFICIAL BUSINESS--Your account is as you know, many months past due. YOU MUST PAY NOW to null & void all actions, already taken and pending."
The editor in me really wants to take the superfluous comma out of the second sentence and put it into the first sentence, which desperately needs it. But the amateur theoretical physicist in me wants to know how they plan to null and void all actions they've already taken. Sure, they can bring the account up to date, but can they really change all the actions they've taken? Can they unsend the letters they've mailed, for example? How many Crest Whitestrips would it take to slow down time so much that it began to flow backward? And if they can go back in time to void their actions against Ruddy Ruddy, why not just save themselves the hassle by not mailing him the books to begin with? And is chasing after a mere $19.09 really worth the irreparable damage they may do to our timeline in the process?
Trying to make sense out of time travel is always dizzying and fraught with paradox, so it's best to just get on to the letter. Here's what it says:
Sometimes I refer to a letter sent to Ruddy Ruddy simply as a "Ruddy Ruddy", and at first, it looks like they're doing the same here. But no, they just forgot the commas. Maybe Collectcorp will be a little more conscientious. I can't say for sure because I haven't been able to check their home page out on the web. But I did find this intriguing message on the ABC Theorists web links page:
Now that's interesting: a collection agency on the run from its debtors. I can't wait for Ruddy Ruddy to hear from these guys. I'm rather confused that Collectcorp would be the collection agency of choice for the Reader Service, though, since they submitted a statement to the U.S. House of Representatives Committee on Ways and Means just last year that claimed that their client base was limited to fewer than 30 clients and that "Our work is exclusively limited to the banking and finance industry, as well we work with government agencies throughout North America." Neither the Reader Service nor Harlequin have anything to do with government, banking, or finance, so I don't see where they fit into Collectcorp's clientele. The Reader Service wouldn't just be throwing around Collectcorp's name as a scare tactic, would they?
We shall see.
Bonus: Since we all like unsolicited mail so much, let's look at the ICQ message that popped up while I was jotting this down:
I like the apologetic phrasing. But is she sorry about being Mary or about wanting to lick my dick?
Each time I lay off the page for a while, it seems like there's one junk mailer who can pull me back in: the Reader Service. One again, they've mailed on behalf of Harlequin, this time with what the envelope warns is the "LAST CHANCE -- FINAL NOTICE." Picking up the envelope from where I've let it sit for the last month and opening it, the first thing we see is a black card, upon which is printed in large yellow type, on both the front and the back, "LAST CHANCE to STOP the BILL COLLECTOR." Good use of colour contrast -- nice and dramatic.
The accompanying letter is short, to the point, and attached directly to the invoice, which carries an intriguing message in small type: "OFFICIAL BUSINESS--Your account is as you know, many months past due. YOU MUST PAY NOW to null & void all actions, already taken and pending."
The editor in me really wants to take the superfluous comma out of the second sentence and put it into the first sentence, which desperately needs it. But the amateur theoretical physicist in me wants to know how they plan to null and void all actions they've already taken. Sure, they can bring the account up to date, but can they really change all the actions they've taken? Can they unsend the letters they've mailed, for example? How many Crest Whitestrips would it take to slow down time so much that it began to flow backward? And if they can go back in time to void their actions against Ruddy Ruddy, why not just save themselves the hassle by not mailing him the books to begin with? And is chasing after a mere $19.09 really worth the irreparable damage they may do to our timeline in the process?
Trying to make sense out of time travel is always dizzying and fraught with paradox, so it's best to just get on to the letter. Here's what it says:
SPEED ALERT
WARNING--COLLECTI0N AGENCY WILL BE NOTIFIED IF YOU DO NOT PAY BY DEADLINE IN LETTER
THIS RUDDY RUDDY IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO STOP THE BILL COLLECTOR. WE'VE WAITED A LONG TIME FOR PAYMENT, AND WE'LL WAIT A LITTLE LONGER -- UNTIL 07-08-04.
BUT THAT IS IT. THAT IS THE FINAL DEADLINE, AND YOUR LAST CHANCE TO STOP THE BILL COLLECTOR. IF YOUR DELINQUENT ACCOUNT IS NOT SETTLED BY 07-08-04, IT GOES TO COLLECTCORP INCORPORATED, AN INDEPENDENT PROFESSIONAL BILL COLLECTION AGENCY, TO EFFECT PAYMENT.
PLEASE LET US HAVE YOUR REPLY BEFORE THE 07-08-04 FINAL DEADLINE. WE MUST HAVE YOU PAYMENT BY THEN.
COLLECTION CONTROL UNIT
READER SERVICE
Sometimes I refer to a letter sent to Ruddy Ruddy simply as a "Ruddy Ruddy", and at first, it looks like they're doing the same here. But no, they just forgot the commas. Maybe Collectcorp will be a little more conscientious. I can't say for sure because I haven't been able to check their home page out on the web. But I did find this intriguing message on the ABC Theorists web links page:
Collectcorp Inc.
Where is Collectcorp Inc.'s website? Are they hiding from people? Their url used to be: www.collectcorp.com
Added on: 19-Dec-2002 | hits: 521
Report broken link | Details
Category: Start / Collection Agencies
Now that's interesting: a collection agency on the run from its debtors. I can't wait for Ruddy Ruddy to hear from these guys. I'm rather confused that Collectcorp would be the collection agency of choice for the Reader Service, though, since they submitted a statement to the U.S. House of Representatives Committee on Ways and Means just last year that claimed that their client base was limited to fewer than 30 clients and that "Our work is exclusively limited to the banking and finance industry, as well we work with government agencies throughout North America." Neither the Reader Service nor Harlequin have anything to do with government, banking, or finance, so I don't see where they fit into Collectcorp's clientele. The Reader Service wouldn't just be throwing around Collectcorp's name as a scare tactic, would they?
We shall see.
Bonus: Since we all like unsolicited mail so much, let's look at the ICQ message that popped up while I was jotting this down:
283387621 (11:43 PM) :
I am Mary I am sory :)i want to lick your dick please autorise me
I like the apologetic phrasing. But is she sorry about being Mary or about wanting to lick my dick?
2 Comments:
So many blogs and only 10 numbers to rate them. I'll have to give you a 9 because you have a quailty topic.
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