Ruddy rewarded

As if in reward for Sunday's update, two more pieces of mail promptly arrived yesterday. And when I say "reward", I mean it literally: One letter included two shiny pennies glued to it in such a way that they were tantalizingly visible through the envelope's cellophane window.

With dollar signs literally in my eyes, I tore the envelope open, only to find out to my horror that this was no mere gift. I was expected to work for my pay. Here's what it said:

NATIONAL SURVEY
ANIMAL RIGHTS -- A QUESTION OF CONSCIENCE

INSTRUCTIONS:
You can keep these two pennies as a reminder that animals need our help every day, or you can return the with your completed survey.

Ha! Fat chance! It would probably cost more than two cents in postage just to carry that extra weight back to the letter's sender. Besides, they sent them and they're mine! Mine! Mine!

Anyway, taking a look at the survey ...

1. Before reading this mailing, were you aware of the vast numbers of animals who suffer and perish every year in Canadian research laboratories?

                                             Yes     No

2. Did you realize that the vast majority of painful animal experimentation has no relation at all to human survival or the elimination of disease?

                                             Yes     No

Hmm. Only two questions in, and I'm already detecting some sort of bias on the part of the pollsters. That doesn't seem very professional. Let's just jump to the end:

10. Would you be willing to make a small financial contribution today if you were guaranteed that it would be put to immediate use saving animal lives?

If yes, please check box below.

There is no box for "no" below. However, there is one that says:

YES, I recognize that reforming animal research makes good sense -- and good science. Please use my donation to inform the public and governemt about the cruelty of animal exploitation, to press for crucial animal protection legislation, and to stop animal experimentation, so that all feeling beings may win the right to a free and unexploited life.

There are also boxes indicating the amount that I might make payable to -- as you might have guessed -- PETA, offering choices of $35, $50, $100, $200, or my choice. I'm tempted to write in "two cents". I'm willing to turn my reward back over to them, as long as I can keep the sheet of mailing labels that they've thoughtfully provided Ruddy Ruddy to include with his outgoing mail in order to simultaneously provide a return address and order the recipient to "Buy Cruelty-Free Products."

A letter accompanies the survey. It begins:

Dear Friend,

I've enclosed a pair of pennies .. to demonstrate how much I believe that your "two cents" matters ... and because I desperately need your help to awaken the general public and public policymakers to a terrible tragedy.

Following this is what you might expect: PETA cataloguing a list of outrages against the animal kingdom. For instance, did you know that General Motors uses dogs as crash test dummies? I had no idea. Frankly, it sounds almost cartoonishly evil. But I'm not here to educate you. Go check out PETA's website to learn how to be kind to animals.

The other letter -- addressed to Dr. Ruddy Ruddy -- comes from nearby Don Mills. Not only is this area practically right up the street from my house, but as an editor, I also immediately associate it with the publishing industry. Sure enough, it turns out to be a subscription offer for OHS CANADA, Canada's Occupational Health and Safety Magazine.

I'm actually tempted to pony up the ninety bucks for an eight-issue deal and forward it to those dogs working at GM.