Du verspielst deine Zeit!
If Lenny Bruce was right that comedy is remembered pain, then you lucky readers are in for some 24-karat comic gold. Every move I make brings a flash of agony and the vivid recollection of my wanton destruction of my own lower back this morning in the gym, caused by putting away some dumbbells that I was finished with. (Lesson: Never clean up after yourself.)
To make things worse, my resulting stooped-over gait resulted in my blindly smashing my head into a low-hanging shelf when carefully placing a cup of coffee on my desk, thus damaging my brainpan (and spilling the coffee). So I now not only have the posture of an australopithecine, but the intelligence too.
Fortunately, due to the brain damage, I now finally see eye-to-eye with the camp that holds that monkeys are inherently funny, which therefore makes me, a neo-protohuman, hilarious. All of this proves Bruce right. Or something. I really have no idea what I'm talking about.
Best, then, to get on with the new piece of mail for Miss Ruddy Ruddy. It's first class mail, and from a mysterious address in Scarborough. Can you guess who it's from? Even with my diminished capacity, I can.
Yep, it's from Enchantress Hosiery of Canada. I thought it was that time again. Just like many of the customers who wear their wares, it seems that this company gets unaccountably bitchy and unreasonable with me once a month.
What have they to say this time? Well, for starters, they still insist that Ruddy Ruddy owes them $24.64, which, I need not remind you, is untrue. But attached to the invoice is the following letter, printed in a bold, black Impact font:
Of course we've seen this before. I wonder if Dr. Viktor Von Doom here ever meets with Mr. Breithaupt from Collectcorp to reminisce about the old days of evildoing and good times before they were forced to flee to Canada to escape prosecution for their crimes against humanity. I picture Sir Ian McKellen from Apt Pupil sharing a snifter of brandy with Sir Laurence Olivier's evil dentist from Marathon Man.
I'd say Kreiger one-ups Breithaupt in the intimidating surname department in that the former's name translates to "warrior" or "argumentative person", while the latter's translates to "broadhead". On the other hand, Breithaupt and I aren't on a first-name basis, as far as he's concerned. That's Mister Breithaupt to you. That's kind of intimidating too. These guys are scary! Could you imagine if they ever tracked down Miss Ruddy Ruddy?
To make things worse, my resulting stooped-over gait resulted in my blindly smashing my head into a low-hanging shelf when carefully placing a cup of coffee on my desk, thus damaging my brainpan (and spilling the coffee). So I now not only have the posture of an australopithecine, but the intelligence too.
Fortunately, due to the brain damage, I now finally see eye-to-eye with the camp that holds that monkeys are inherently funny, which therefore makes me, a neo-protohuman, hilarious. All of this proves Bruce right. Or something. I really have no idea what I'm talking about.
Best, then, to get on with the new piece of mail for Miss Ruddy Ruddy. It's first class mail, and from a mysterious address in Scarborough. Can you guess who it's from? Even with my diminished capacity, I can.
Yep, it's from Enchantress Hosiery of Canada. I thought it was that time again. Just like many of the customers who wear their wares, it seems that this company gets unaccountably bitchy and unreasonable with me once a month.
What have they to say this time? Well, for starters, they still insist that Ruddy Ruddy owes them $24.64, which, I need not remind you, is untrue. But attached to the invoice is the following letter, printed in a bold, black Impact font:
Well, it seems that P. Caponio has indeed washed his hands of the fruitless Ruddy Ruddy case. And we've gone from having a Italian-named (read: possible kneebreaking mafioso) figurehead for the collection department back to a sinister-sounding German name (read: possible jackbooted thug). I suppose having a German author would explain why some of the nouns (such as "Delinquent Account" and "Office") are capitalized for no reason.RECOMMENDED ACTION--SEND TO COLLECTION AGENCYAcct. # 004295469-9Dear Miss Ruddy,
Your Delinquent Account has been forwarded to this Office with a recommendation that I assign your account to an external collection agency.
If you wish to avoid the involvement of third-party collection specialists, please pay your overdue account of $24.64 IMMEDIATELY.
Pay by cheque, or pay by credit card using the above payment stub, and send the enclosed envelope. Or pay online at www.enchantresshosiery.com.
Viktor Kreiger
Collections Officer
Of course we've seen this before. I wonder if Dr. Viktor Von Doom here ever meets with Mr. Breithaupt from Collectcorp to reminisce about the old days of evildoing and good times before they were forced to flee to Canada to escape prosecution for their crimes against humanity. I picture Sir Ian McKellen from Apt Pupil sharing a snifter of brandy with Sir Laurence Olivier's evil dentist from Marathon Man.
I'd say Kreiger one-ups Breithaupt in the intimidating surname department in that the former's name translates to "warrior" or "argumentative person", while the latter's translates to "broadhead". On the other hand, Breithaupt and I aren't on a first-name basis, as far as he's concerned. That's Mister Breithaupt to you. That's kind of intimidating too. These guys are scary! Could you imagine if they ever tracked down Miss Ruddy Ruddy?
Viktor Kreiger: [threatingly] We Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine.
Ruddy Ruddy: [recoils in mock horror] Oooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans! [hiding] Uh oh, the Germans are going to get me!
Viktor Kreiger: Stop it!
Mr. Breithaupt: Stop, fraulein.
Ruddy Ruddy: Don't let the Germans come after me. Oh no, the Germans are coming after me.
Mr. Breithaupt: Please stop the "pretending you are scared" game, please.
Viktor Kreiger: Stop it! Stop it!
Ruddy Ruddy: [brief pause, then resumes] No! They're so big and strong!
Mr. Breithaupt: Stop it.
Viktor Kreiger: Stop it, Ruddy Ruddy.
Mr. Breithaupt: Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now.
Ruddy Ruddy: Oh, protect me from the Germans! The Germans...
Viktor Kreiger: Ruddy Ruddy, STOP IT!
6 Comments:
Ruddy Ruddy, Dr Jr loves you.
Have you heard from the Reader Center(re?) lately? Didn't they give you some sort of final ultimatum recently?
I believe the last time I heard from them was back in August, as detailed in the post Collectcorp sends some collectcrap. They sure must not want their money if they're not going to keep after Ruddy Ruddy.
Funny, but you should have had Ruddy Ruddy saying "Greman", instead to German.
Or maybe not.
-Paul
http://journals.aol.ca/plittle/AuroraWalkingVacation/
Somehow, "Ruddy Ruddy" spoken with a thick German accent is even funnier. Then again, everything seems to obey this rule.
I have nothing smart or witty to say about your post, although I find it quite funny. I just wanted to let you know that you could bring some chips this New Year's Eve. We might not make it to Copper Penny though.
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