Tuesday, May 18, 2004

The Fed Today

As Scott pointed out to me recently, although it may have only been two cents, Ruddy Ruddy has nevertheless reached a new milestone by receiving money in the mail. Perhaps it is because the authorities want Ruddy Ruddy to be able to be able to responsibly handle his new financial windfall, then, that the Federal Reserve Bank of Philadelphia helpfully sent along an informational video to explain how the Federal Reserve System works.

I recently had the pleasure of playing host to my neighbour Elizabeth -- an official Ruddy Buddy -- and was proudly showing off my stack of as-yet-unopened mail to Ruddy Ruddy. She was intrigued by a thick airmail package from the aforementioned Federal Reserve Bank of Philadelphia, and suddenly thinking that they might have sent money, so was I. We opened it up to find a bubble-wrapped videotape called The Fed Today, and decided that it was an excellent time to hold a screening.

And, well, it was an informational video. Over the course of its 13 minutes, we learned a great deal of stuff we never even thought we cared about (and as it turns out, we still don't, but we learned it anyway). Elizabeth learned about inflation. I learned that the United States once had over 30,000 types of currency, which was issued by any organization who wanted to issue it, including drugstores. Elizabeth pointed out that some people probably got paid a lot of money to make that video, considering that it basically just repeated all the information from the brochure that came with it.

Host Charles Osgood, for example, probably picked up a hefty paycheque. However, we agreed that he earned it, as he wore a snazzy bowtie and turned out to be a surprisingly good host -- broadcast television-quality, even, I thought, comparing him to Charles Kuralt. Perhaps that shouldn't be surprising: Kuralt used to be on CBS on Sunday morning, and it turns out Osgood is the current anchor of CBS News Sunday Morning. (These are facts I might have already known if I were ever awake on Sunday morning.) Oh, and they're both named Charles, obviously. Anyway, Osgood was pretty good.

Anyway, if you want to order your own free copy of The Fed Today, you can check out the Federal Reserve Economic Education website. You could also get all the exact same information that's in that video at that website, but if you did that, you wouldn't cause the US government to needlessly shell out $2.10 in postage like Ruddy Ruddy did. So order the video. At worst, you can tape the new Britney Spears video on it, or whatever.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Ruddy rewarded

As if in reward for Sunday's update, two more pieces of mail promptly arrived yesterday. And when I say "reward", I mean it literally: One letter included two shiny pennies glued to it in such a way that they were tantalizingly visible through the envelope's cellophane window.

With dollar signs literally in my eyes, I tore the envelope open, only to find out to my horror that this was no mere gift. I was expected to work for my pay. Here's what it said:

NATIONAL SURVEY
ANIMAL RIGHTS -- A QUESTION OF CONSCIENCE

INSTRUCTIONS:
You can keep these two pennies as a reminder that animals need our help every day, or you can return the with your completed survey.


Ha! Fat chance! It would probably cost more than two cents in postage just to carry that extra weight back to the letter's sender. Besides, they sent them and they're mine! Mine! Mine!

Anyway, taking a look at the survey ...

1. Before reading this mailing, were you aware of the vast numbers of animals who suffer and perish every year in Canadian research laboratories?
                                             Yes     No


2. Did you realize that the vast majority of painful animal experimentation has no relation at all to human survival or the elimination of disease?
                                             Yes     No



Hmm. Only two questions in, and I'm already detecting some sort of bias on the part of the pollsters. That doesn't seem very professional. Let's just jump to the end:

10. Would you be willing to make a small financial contribution today if you were guaranteed that it would be put to immediate use saving animal lives?

If yes, please check box below.


There is no box for "no" below. However, there is one that says:

YES, I recognize that reforming animal research makes good sense -- and good science. Please use my donation to inform the public and governemt about the cruelty of animal exploitation, to press for crucial animal protection legislation, and to stop animal experimentation, so that all feeling beings may win the right to a free and unexploited life.


There are also boxes indicating the amount that I might make payable to -- as you might have guessed -- PETA, offering choices of $35, $50, $100, $200, or my choice. I'm tempted to write in "two cents". I'm willing to turn my reward back over to them, as long as I can keep the sheet of mailing labels that they've thoughtfully provided Ruddy Ruddy to include with his outgoing mail in order to simultaneously provide a return address and order the recipient to "Buy Cruelty-Free Products."

A letter accompanies the survey. It begins:

Dear Friend,

I've enclosed a pair of pennies .. to demonstrate how much I believe that your "two cents" matters ... and because I desperately need your help to awaken the general public and public policymakers to a terrible tragedy.


Following this is what you might expect: PETA cataloguing a list of outrages against the animal kingdom. For instance, did you know that General Motors uses dogs as crash test dummies? I had no idea. Frankly, it sounds almost cartoonishly evil. But I'm not here to educate you. Go check out PETA's website to learn how to be kind to animals.

The other letter -- addressed to Dr. Ruddy Ruddy -- comes from nearby Don Mills. Not only is this area practically right up the street from my house, but as an editor, I also immediately associate it with the publishing industry. Sure enough, it turns out to be a subscription offer for OHS CANADA, Canada's Occupational Health and Safety Magazine.

I'm actually tempted to pony up the ninety bucks for an eight-issue deal and forward it to those dogs working at GM.

Sunday, May 09, 2004

Off hiatus

Hola, amigos! I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but ... well, I've been busy. All is good; I just haven't had much time for the Ruddiness. However, it's a Sunday, and it looks like I can bang out a little update.

And what better way to resume updating than to catch up with our old friends at the Reader Service Center, who, as you'll recall, mailed Ruddy Ruddy some Harlequin Blaze novels and perhaps too optimistically, expected Ruddy Ruddy to mail them money in return. The latest letter comes in a yellow envelope marked "OFFICIAL NOTICE" and says:

THE OFFICIAL NOTICE BELOW REFLECTS THE FACT THAT YOU RECEIVED HARLEQUIN BLAZE BOOKS ON APPROVAL IN OCT. 2003 AND HAVE NOT PAID FOR THEM. THESE BOOKS WERE SENT TO YOU AS A PART OF YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO HARLEQUIN BLAZE. YOUR INDEBTEDNESS TOTALS $ 19.09 AND IS NOW 164 DAYS IN ARREARS.

DEAR RUDDY RUDDY

THIS LETTER IS OFFICIAL NOTICE THAT ON 5-14-04 I MUST SEND THE EQUIVALENT OF A "DELINQUENT DEBTOR REPORT" ON YOU TO OUR COLLECTION CONTROL UNIT.

THE COLLECTION UNIT HAS THE OPTION OF CONTACTING YOU DIRECTLY ABOUT YOUR PASTDUE ACCOUNT OF $19.09 - OR THEY MAY REVIEW YOUR ACCOUNT FOR ACCURACY, THEN TURN IT OVER TO AN INDEPENDENT PROFESSIONAL BILL COLLECTION AGENCY.

THE AGENCY WITH WHOM WE HAVE A CONTRACT, IN TURN AND OF COURSE, ON OUR INSTRUCTIONS MEANS THAT THEY ARE EMPOWERED WITH BY LAW TO EFFECT COLLECTION.

* * * * * *

NOTWITHSTANDING THE ABOVE AND BEFORE THE 05-14-04 DUE DATE, YOU STILL HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO CLEAR YOUR DEBT TO THE READER SERVICE - TO, IN EFFECT, REMOVE YOUR DELINQUENCY FROM OUR RECORDS - BY PAYING THE $19.09 YOU OWE IN FULL, NOW.

MY PEOPLE WILL BE ON ALERT FOR YOUR REPLY AND WILL PERSONALLY OVERSEE THE CREDITING OF YOUR ACCOUNT, TO ENSURE NO "DELINQUENT DEBTOR REPORT" ON YOU IS EVER ISSUED.

JUST PLEASE BE SURE TO WRITE YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER ON YOUR PAYMENT CHECK WHEN REMITTING, AND TO RETURN THIS NOTIFICATION LETTER WITH YOUR PAYMENT.

RESPECTFULLY YOURS,


James R. Nicholson

ACCOUNTS & COMPLIANCE OFFICE.


I have to say that I don't even get some of this. First, the letter talks about sending the equivalent of a "delinquent debtor report" on Ruddy Ruddy. Then, it talks about how payment can ensure that no "delinquent debtor report" is ever filed. Fine, but can they still send the equivalent of one, as was earlier threatened? I smell a trick. It's as if they said, "We're going to shoot you in the head with the equivalent of an arrow. But if you pay, we promise you will not be shot by an arrow." Then, when I paid up, they shot me through the eye with a crossbow bolt. It's not an arrow, technically, but it's a close equivalent.