No package for Ruddy Ruddy

Just getting your attention with the title there. Sorry about playing with your emotions. Actually, it was quite a successful day for Ruddy Ruddy. Let me walk you through it.

Too busy for work today, I took the day off to attend to all things Ruddy. Thanks to my friend Tyler, I got some snappy-looking cards printed out on card stock. Then I strapped on the old rollerblades for the first time this year and scooted down to my local post office to mail some cards out to deserving Ruddy Buddies. This mailing was just to the foreign Ruddy Buddies, by the way. Ruddy Buddies who live around the corner from me will have to settle for hand-delivery.

"Anything else?" asked the girl behind the counter as she collected my postage money.

"Actually," I said, summoning all my sweaty rollerblader charm. "A package got sent to me, but it wasn't under my name, so I don't have any ID."

"That's okay," she said. "Do you have any ID for the address?"

"I do," I said, summoning a copy of my phone bill.

"Okay, great," she said. Then she looked at my address. "Actually, you're not in my area." We looked again at the delivery slip. Sure enough, the pick-up address was at Danforth and Coxwell, not Danforth and Chester, as I'd assumed, what with it being a much closer postal outlet.

So I strapped my rollerblades back on and skated the 1.5 miles (2.414016 kilometers, to keep it real, metric-style) down the Danforth to the other postal outlet. There, I picked up the package with little fuss; they didn't even ask me to show a Ruddy Buddy card. Then I skated home, having gone quite a bit further than expected on my first rollerblading trip of the year, and took a nap.

Awake again and full of blogging vigour, I now turn my attention to the package, a big 13" x 18" (no metric conversion on this one) padded envelope sent to Mr. Ruddy Ruddy by the Office of the Commissioner of Official Languages. Although I haven't gotten around to mentioning yet, this office also sent Ruddy Ruddy a handsome poster about a week ago depicting the works of Group of Seven painters Lawren Harris and A.J. Casson and pointing out that the English and French have lived side by side in Canada for over 230 years.

This time, they've sent The Magic Mural, a teaching guide for children aged 4 to 7 that consists of a non-interactive CD-ROM, a mouse pad, a poster, and an activity guide. The website cautions "A parent or teacher must accompany the children on these Magic Mural adventures." (Aunts, uncles, grandparents, or child-care providers need not apply.) I presume that's to ensure correct use of the computer rather than to screen out or explain any violence or sexual content. Or maybe parental or teacher involvement is required so that they can read the special study "Official Language Requirements And Government On-Line" aloud to the children, as this is also included in the package.

Here's a capsule summary of the The Magic Mural, taken directly from the activity book:

On a beautiful summer day, Julie is sitting in a park. Nearby is a large mural. she is drawing the animals depicted on the mural. Daniel arrives on his skateboard. Suddenly, Julie's drawing is natched from her hands by a powerful wind and lands on Daniel's face. He loses his blance and falls at Julie's feet.

Julie apologizes, but Daniel does not understand what she is saying. Julie speaks French, but Daniel does not understand because he speaks English.

Another gust of wind blows Daniel straight through the magic mural. Julie is surprised; she does not understand where Daniel has gone. She comes closer to the mural and is suddenly carried away by the wind into the mural like Daniel.

When they go through the sky painted on the mural, Julie and Daniel make holes in the shapes of their bodies.

They land on an island, which they quickly realize is the head of a dinosaur. The dinosaur sneezes and, as a result, projects Daniel and Julie into the air. they land on a flower whose petals close on them.

Julie cries "AU SECOURS" and Daniel cries "HELP!" Bushy Bird, a caring character from the magic mural, hears them. He tickles the flower until it opens its petals. Julie and Daniel fall to the ground.

Julie and Daniel explain to Bushy Bird, who speaks neither English nor French, that they are lost and want to return home. To make him understand what they are saying, Julie draws a house, but Bushy Bird finally understands when he sees the holes in the sky.

Bushy Bird asks his friend the dinosaur to bring Julie and Daniel up to the holes in the sky.

Daniel and Julie then climb onto the dinosaur's head, but the dinosaur is unable to move. And why is that? Because a strange snake is holding onto his tail. What can they do? Through gestures, she asks Bushy Bird to tickle the dinosaur's nose with his hair. The dinosaur sneezes and sends the children through the sky.

Finally back in the park, Daniel and Julie ride away on Daniel's skateboard.

The children do seem to get knocked around a lot, so there's your violence. And depending on how close those two get on that little skateboard, you might be able to find some inappropriate content there too. But I think the real point of having a parent or teacher present is to explain the gender politics underlying the fact that the girl, Julie, is the one with all the ideas, while Daniel, the boy, is basically useless and accident-prone to boot. Or maybe it's to explain how it can be that a bird has hair instead of feathers. My theory: Considering that he's good friends with a dinosaur, it's likely that Bushy is a prehistoric bird from an epoch before the hair of avians evolved into feathers.

It's really not for me to worry about, though; according to the rules set by the Office of the Commissioner of Official Languages, I can't use The Magic Mural since I'm not a parent or a teacher (and I'm not 4 to 7 years old). But I did need a new mouse pad, since the old one's getting a little grungy. So, a hearty thank-you goes out to the government on this one.

Package limbo

I've long wondered what would happen if someone sent Ruddy Ruddy a package that was too large to fit in my mailbox and no one was around to receive. Actually, I knew what would happen: It would be held at my local postal outlet until Ruddy Ruddy picked it up. Well, it happened.

I returned home Thursday night to find the delivery notice awaiting. I've punched the notice number into the Canada Post website and got the tracking page for this package, but haven't leaned anything other than that I've got a package waiting in limbo for me.

Now here's the question: How do I get it? I need to present the card with identification in order to pick the package up. But I obviously don't have any Ruddy Ruddy ID (even if finished, the Ruddy Buddy card probably wouldn't fly). Could I just take a whole bunch of my other Ruddy Ruddy mail and explain that I often receive mail under this name? Why is it a rule that you have to receive mail under your own name, anyway?

Well, starting from Thursday, I had 15 days to figure out how to get this package. Thus, 12 days remain. Your suggestions be be gratefully accepted.

Official Ruddy Buddy Memo

Good news for my Ruddy Buddies who have been clamoring for their membership cards. I was chatting with one of the lovely designers at work, and she said she'd be glad to devise some handsome cards for the low, low cost of a Dairy Queen Blizzard. Her previous card-making experience includes whipping up some snappy business cards reading "Manwhore", so I'm convinced she's got what it takes. All I have to do is whip up a creative brief for her this weekend, and it's as good as done.

While I have you reading, I can use your advice: I got a notice yesterday that a package too big to fit in the mailbox had arrived. Any ideas on how Ruddy Ruddy can pick up his package from the post office without proper ID?

Grandpa, what did you do in the war?

Ruddy Buddy #1 (and Muse of Ruddy Ruddy) Katherine sends this link to a book released by her publishing company, with regrettable cover details. Click the link to the larger image to see why the Germans lost World War I.

The economics of the eternal kingdom

When the envelope arrived from Rose Martin Eternal Life Skills, I was genuinely excited. Life skills are very important, whether they're knowing how to conduct a job search, or how to iron a shirt, or how to say no to drugs. So who wouldn't be interested in gaining some life skills that would last forever? Greedy for knowledge, I tore the envelope open and grabbed the letter inside, which said:

Hello and welcome to our family of listeners!

Enclosed is the Free CD you, or someone who cares about you, requested. There are important messages on it about why you should be getting ready for your life in eternity and I am glad that I could send it to you!

Sounds good so far!

When I began this ministry, the Lord woke me up many times at night and put a burden on my heart to warn others of how important their time on earth was. He showed me how people were laughing and playing, unaware that they were heading towards the most serious event of their lives--unprepared.

Hey, wait a minute....

When we accept God's gift of eternal life by believing in His Son Jesus Christ as our Savior, a shift occurs on the spiritual realm. Our names are written in heaven and our places there are secured for all eternity. Then the next major event happens. We begin to store up treasures, crowns, and rewards for ourselves through our thought, words, and deeds.

Yep, it's more direct mail from God. Still, all that talk of "treasures, crowns and rewards" sounds pretty lucrative, doesn't it? The phrase is even repeated four paragraphs later. It sounds pretty simple, too: Invite christ to come your heart and life as your personal Saviour, then rake in the profits. Pure capitalism, and as American as Jesus himself.

On the other hand, maybe this appeal to the spirit through the pocketbook is logically flawed. After all, it sounds like everyone in heaven has riches beyond their wildest dreams. Shouldn't everyone's good works as a servant of Christ, assuming the usual per annum prime rate and an accrual period of eternity, result in an infinite yield? But if so, isn't everyone equally rich? Or, to put it another way, isn't everyone equally poor? If everyone has infinite wealth, isn't everyone eternally stuck in the middle class? Isn't that -- dare I say -- a little Communist?

Surprisingly, no:

God stressed to me that when our time on earth is over a very serious thing will happen. Each Christian will stand before the Lord and everything he or she has done while they were Christians on this earth will be judged. There will be no laughing and playing as their thoughts, words, and deeds are put through the fire to determine their eternal rewards.

Most people are unprepared for this! They do not realize that the way they live their lives during the remaining time they have on this earth will determine the amount of rewards they will receive and the positions they will hold in God's eternal kingdom! Most will receive surprisingly little when they arrive in heaven because of how they lived their lives after they accepted the Lord as their Savior.

So in other words, the sooner you accept Jesus, the sooner you can start building eternal equity. After all, if you come to Christ immediately, you can do more good works and thus build up more of an eternal reward than some Johnny-come-lately who merely makes a deathbed conversion. While that poor bastard gets nothing, you'll be rolling in treasures, crowns, and rewards. Get in on the ground floor on this important investment.

But wait a minute -- isn't greed -- aka avarice, aka covetousness -- one of the seven deadly sins? Isn't it contradictory to try to sway people to a heavenly path through a naked appeal to vice?

Moreover, if our places are secured for all eternity, and our rewards and positions on God's eternal kingdom are determined by how we live our lives on earth, doesn't that mean there's no room for advancement in the afterlife? It sure sounds that way. But aren't these eternal life skills? Shouldn't these skills be useful throughout one's eternal life? Through a combination of hard work and pluckiness, one should be able to climb the ladder and get promoted to archangel one day. It would be pretty depressing to be stuck in the same lowly station forever, even if it was in heaven.

But maybe I'm jumping ahead. This free CD I've got here is over a half-hour long, so the answers are probably on there. And if not, they're probably on the Eternal Life Skills website or available by listening to Rose Martin's weekly show, which is available online.

Act now! Treasures, crowns, and rewards are available for a limited time only!

I have business questions

Tax time approaches, and I sincerely hope that Revenue Canada isn't expecting a little something from Ruddy Inc. That branch of the government hasn't taken notice of this ersatz business arm of the Ruddy Ruddy empire as yet, but other governmental departments continue to mail helpful instructional pamphlets. Take the new one by the Canada-Ontario Business Service Centre, titled "You Have Business Questions? We Can Help!"

I like the use of italics here, particularly in that incredulous first sentence: You have business questions? You? Ruddy Ruddy? Really? But you've always seemed so sure of yourself in all your wheelings and dealings! Your business acumen is known throughout the world of high finance!

But before the pamphlet harps on this point long enough to be accused of rubbing it in and shaming the reader for his ignorance, it enthusiastically springs into action: We can help! No, don't go elsewhere for the answers to your business questions. We've got you covered! Wow! Imagine you asking us!

I don't seem to be able to find an electronic copy of this pamphlet to show you, as I usually try to do, but it doesn't matter. All it tells you how to do is contact the COBSC. So I suppose if you'd been asking the question "How can I contact the COBSC -- you know, for my business?", then I suppose the pamphlet would indeed provide some useful succour. But I've already provided a link to their website, so I'm being at least as helpful as the pamphlet is. When you actually get to their website, it's a different story, of course. It's full of practical info that will surely come in handy should I ever decide to take Ruddy Inc. on the road to profitability.

But the pamphlet itself? Not nearly as helpful as its enthusiasm would indicate. I'm sincerely glad that the accompanying invoice charges Ruddy Inc. precisely zero dollars and cents for it. I'd call it a waste of paper to even include an invoice, but apparently the Inspector #11 who has given it his stamp of approval would disagree. There's big government for you -- not only sending no-charge invoices to fictional companies (of their own devising, I might add, since the folks at the government were the ones who somehow got hold of some mailing list and suddenly decided Ruddy Inc. was a business), but also employing people to scrutinize these invoices and decide, "Yeah, that looks okay."

In summary, I do, in fact, have business questions: Why is the government sending me pamphlets about business? With all this needless waste, is the government going to put itself out of business? And since when is Ruddy Ruddy any of the damn government's business, anyway?

Ruddy Buddy bulletin

I just wanted to drop a small note to my Ruddy Buddies to let you know that I have not forgotten about you. In fact, I treasure you above all other members of the human race. I actually sat down to whip up some fancy membership cards this last weekend. However, I had to reinstall Quark XPress (which I'd deleted for space considerations to do so, because I want them to look sharp. But to my dismay, it wouldn't reinstall. So, there will be some further delay until I sort it out, either by installing another copy of Quark or by using my immense personal charm to sweet-talk one of the Ruddy Ruddy-loving designers at work into whipping up something nice.

Or I could just wait until someone randomly sends me some Ruddy Buddy membership cards in the mail. With the bizarre assortment of things that constantly seem to be arriving, I wouldn't rule out the chances of this happening soon.

More crying and begging

Once again, the Reader Service Center continues their futile quest to extract payment from Ruddy Ruddy for the unasked-for Harlequin novels they sent. Except this time, judging by the additional handwritten font over the name and return address, the company seems to now be called the Phillip Brownley Reader Service Center. The handwritten font also says DATED MAIL -- Open and read immediately! And so, dear reader, that is how I came to be making this update several days after I actually received this envelope: If these slimeballs want my immediate attention, I can easily find something else to do for a while.

Now then, contained inside the envelope is a letter marked OFFICE OF THE CREDIT MANAGER across the top. Here is what it says:

OFFICIAL NOTICE OF REVIEW

DEAR RUDDY RUDDY

THE READER SERVICE RECEIVED AN ORDER FROM YOU SOME TIME AGO AND IMMEDIATELY PROCESSED IT. THE SERVICE THEN SENT YOU FREE GIFTS -- AND WITH REGULAR SHIPMENTS EXTENDED CREDIT, DISCOUNTS AND OTHER PRIVILEGES.

NOW, SOME FOUR-AND-A HALF MONTHS SINCE OUR LAST SHIPMENT TO YOU, OUR COMPUTER RECORDS SHOW THAT YOUR READER SERVICE MEMBERSHIP AND PRIVILEGES HAVE BEEN SUSPENDED. THE RECORDS FURTHER SHOW THAT YOU STILL OWE $ 19.09 FOR A SHIPMENT(S) DATED AS LONG AGO AS 10-08-03.

THE FOREGOING IS BASED ON THE INFORMATION WE HAVE IN OUR FILES AS OF 02-19-04 , AND MY PURPOSE NOW IS TO ASCERTAIN THE ACCURACY OF THIS FACT PRIOR TO TAKING ANY FURTHER ACTION.

IF YOU HAVE ANY REASON TO DISPUTE OR DISAGREE WITH THE SUMMARY ABOVE, PLEASE SO ADVISE. SIMPLY WRITE YOUR EXPLANATION ON THE BACK OF THIS LETTER AND RETURN IN THE REPLY ENVELOPE PROVIDED.

ALTERNATELY, IF OUR FACTS ARE CORRECT, YOU MAY SETTLE THIS MATTER AND YOUR ACCOUNT BY PAYING THE $ 19.09 WE SHOW AS OUTSTANDING. JUST BE SURE TO WRITE YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER ON YOUR PAYMENT, THEN RETURN YOUR PAYMENT TO US WITH THIS LETTER.

PLEASE IN ANY EVENT GIVE THIS YOUR IMMEDIATE ATTENTION. A LOT OF TIME HAS GONE BY, AND WE NEED TO HAVE YOUR REPLY BY 03-31-04.

RESPECTFULLY YOURS,

PHILLIP BROWNLEY

PHILLIP BROWNLEY
FOR THE READER SERVICE

I'm still not sure what Phillip Brownley's position is at the company. The letterhead implies he might be the credit manager, but from the envelope, I thought he'd taken over the place and the "for the Reader Service" part makes me suspect he's a special troubleshooter called in from outside to deal with the most intractable deadbeats. Anyway, I liked that Paula Morgan better. I could go on about his false assertion that Ruddy Ruddy ever sent the Reader Service an order, as they claim, but that's territory well trodden.

So let's look at another misleading part in the letter, one that the editors who may be reading can appreciate: the usage of the word "alternately", suggesting Ruddy Ruddy can follow only one of the two courses of action that the letter lists. Well, actually, "alternately" means "by turns", so they seem to be suggesting that Ruddy Ruddy first dispute the charges, then pay them (and possibly that Ruddy Ruddy should keep repeating this process.) But strictly speaking, "alternatively", which is what the writer probably means to say, refers to a situation with exactly two options.

And yet, I can think of a third option: ignoring the letter and doing absolutely nothing until the Reader Service ends up spending more on the collection process than the $19.09 that they intend to collect, and eventually give up. Given that they keep alluding to further action but can't really come up with anything more threatening than the permanent loss of membership and privileges because they aren't actually owed anything, can you guess which choice Ruddy Ruddy will make?

Also inside the envelope, there's a reply envelope and a card that says:

LAST CHANCE
This is your last chance to have your Reader Service membership and privileges reinstated.

So if you're paying now and want your membership and privileges resumed, please return the 2 GREEN YES LABELS at right. Stick 1 Label on the front of your reply envelope, stick the other on the back of the reply--then mail. (Note--if you're paying but don't want your membership and privileges reinstated, return the RED NO LABELS, placing them on the front and back of your reply envelope instead.)

There's just one problem: There aren't any labels anywhere in the envelope. And since Ruddy Ruddy's supposed to send a label if he's paying and wants his privileges back and he's supposed to send a label if he's paying and doesn't want his privileges back, then it's obvious that Ruddy Ruddy simply can't pay.

Well, that settles that.

Savour the flavour of murder

Also trying to save Ruddy Ruddy's soul, in their own way, are the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. I wonder if they got Ruddy Ruddy's name from the people who named him an official Ontario chicken lover, and if so, how did they interpret "lover"? As "one who loves chickens" or as "one who loves eating chickens"?

The latter seems likely, as they've thoughtfully sent along a vegetarian starter kit. If they thought they were preaching to the choir, they'd surely assume Ruddy Ruddy to already be keeping a vegetarian diet. They've also sent a CD-ROM containing a video of the song "Free Me", which is performed by John Feldmann of Goldfinger. As you might expect, the video contains "powerful footage of animals" -- cattle being branded and chicken being debeaked, for instance.

I didn't know Goldfinger were a vegetarian band, although it turns out their song "FTN" stands for "Fuck Ted Nugent", which is in itself an eminently reasonable viewpoint for many reasons. The lyrics are both pro-animal and anti-Jennifer Lopez, which is, once again, very reasonable. Goldfinger might just be winning me over.

It's hard to make fun of them, so I'll just relate my favorite (possibly apocryphal) story about another famously vegetarian band, The Smiths. It was in fact Morrissey who was the big vegetarian, and he more or less forced the rest of the band into adopting his diet by telling the press was the whole band were vegetarians. In one concert, as he was singing the anti-carnivore anthem "Meat Is Murder", fans started throwing sausages as an expression of support, in much the same way as fans of the Barenaked Ladies and the Foo Fighters threw Kraft Dinner and Mentos at those bands in tribute. As Morrissey's mouth closed as he sang the word "murder", a sausage flew right into his mouth and he bit down on it.

I love the old Mozzer, but picturing his ensuing spasms of tears and retching and muffled cries of "Oh God!" is just plain hilarious.

Update: Looking at the envelope again, I notice that although it was sent from the PETA headquarters in Norfolk, Virginia, it was sent on behalf of a couple residing just a couple of blocks away from my house! Should Ruddy Ruddy expect them to knock on the door for a meet-and-greet sometime soon?